Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Randomize
