I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
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I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
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Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea