SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
