20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
