I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
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New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
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Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
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