Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
27 Socially Expected Things That Are The Absolute Worst
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
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I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink