My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
Dating After Heartbreak
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
These Images Prove Chrissy Teigen is the Funniest Model Alive
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.