Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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