he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
i think i have two assholes
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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