he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
Even my vagina gasped.
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Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
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Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.