So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
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