Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
