oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
I could make wine with my vomit
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
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you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
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But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
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