I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
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