if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
So...AT&T finally added picture messaging for iPhone...bring on the tits!!!
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
25 Odd Things These Pathetic People Do For Enjoyment
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
The Most Iconic Met Gala Looks The Kardashian’s Have Rocked
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
Fuck me I smell like cheese