Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
10+ Incredible Tumblr Stories That Will Leave You Shook
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
16 People Who Have Raised The Bar For Petty Revenge
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway