dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
I didn't notice because vodka
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall