i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I need to stop coming to work sober
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
