All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
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How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
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