I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
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