He said he was just looking at my pictures and was thinking about how he wanted to cut my hair..then dye it black and put platnium blonde extensions throughout it and layer my hair
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
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