you're like a bully in the Christmas story
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober