I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
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