What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Randomize
