I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
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She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
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Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation