Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
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Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
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She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter