life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home