i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
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he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
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And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.