You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
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ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
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Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
She's not a foreskin expert like you
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...