the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
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I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
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I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"