Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
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you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
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Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife