I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize