Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
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