my phone needs a breathalizer
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
21 Millennials Confess The Most Awkward Way Someone Has Tried Hitting On Them
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
25 People Confess The Most Ignorant Thing Someone Has Ever Said To Them
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato