woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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