Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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