the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
23 Bisexuals Confess The Biggest Differences Between Dating People Of Each Sex
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
These 25 Ruthless Teachers Embarrassed Their Students
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..