So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Randomize
