I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
The dick lei will go down in squad history
Randomize
