Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.