I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
21 People Tragically Stumbled Upon A Dead Body
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
27 Socially Expected Things That Are The Absolute Worst
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.