I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
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We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
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Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Nobody cheats on THIS.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
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