Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize
