Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
Randomize
