I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Randomize
