i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
