need another drink. this is the easiest way
And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Randomize
