I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Randomize
