Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
Never underestimate the power of titties
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
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