Your tits are I can't wait for
Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
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