I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
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I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
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