Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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