drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
MIDGETS
????
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Randomize
