Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
Randomize
