It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Randomize
