I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
