I will die if light touches me.
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
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