Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
