Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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