Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
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