Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
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